‘You only get one mum’ – navigating complex child contact situations

Posted by Jane Chanot on 1st November 2024

Specialist family lawyer and director Jane Chanot discusses a recent case that navigates complex child contact relationships.

In an unusual move, a Family Court judge wrote to four children who are adamant that they don’t want to see their mother, agreeing that the decision is theirs but also reminding them that they only have one Mum and to leave open a path to reconciliation, in case they are ever prepared to take this.  Read the judgment 

It may seem quite an unusual situation; in the many cases it is the mother that the children choose to live with or are happy to spend time with as well as their father or the parents share the care equally. Clearly, in this instance, the relationship is complex, given the mother’s mental health issues, and these children have felt let down by their mother to the point where they simply don’t want her involved in their lives.

Indeed, one child stated that they all felt their mother was bothering them, and another said the mother “keeps disturbing our peace’. Strong viewpoints from children all under the age of 15.

While at this stage the children are determined that seeing their mother is not a good thing. They live happily with their father and have rejected any approaches from their mother.

The outcome of the hearing, which involved both parents, was that the judge made a three-year order giving the children a solid period of time where they would not be bothered by outside interference in their lives. This was ordered with the intention of deterring the mother from making any further applications for contact. Whilst applications by parents would not in the normal course require permission from the Court to proceed, an order pursuant to S91(14) of the Children Act 1989, ensures that were the mother to make an application within that 3 year period, the Court would have to decide whether the mother would be give permission to proceed. This therefore affords the Court an opportunity to check the appropriateness of that application before all parties, including the children , are drawn into litigation once more.

The judge also suggested that the mother would be allowed to send a monthly email to a bespoke email address, giving them the option to communicate in the future, if they changed their minds.

So what are the takeaways from this?

Even without knowing the full circumstances of the rift between the children and the mother, one could say that by trying to force the children to have a relationship with her, the mother’s actions have had the opposite effect.

A lawyer could well have advised her to tread gently, to pull back from litigation which was clearly stressing her children to the point of shutting down in terms of the way they feel about her.

The welfare of children must come above any other consideration. They are deemed the innocents in this situation. Being caused undue anxiety does them no favours and could potentially be detrimental to their education, friendships, future employment prospects and their development into adulthood. It is hard to gauge the longer term, effects but it is no secret that complex familial situations like this are rarely damage-free for the children involved.

In this case, the judge has found a very well thought out solution to this tricky problem, giving the children her full support to prevent them having further stress and disruption to their lives, whilst sensitively suggesting keeping some form of communication open, just in case. As they grow towards adulthood, the children may develop a different understanding of their mother’s feelings and why she behaved in the way she did.

The Family Law Company has many years of experience representing both children and parents through complex child contact using accomplished negotiation skills. Our solicitors working in Child Law are represented on the Law Society’s Children Panel, as well as being accredited Resolution specialists.

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