“We’ve negotiated a parenting schedule but my ex keeps changing it”. Senior Associate Solicitor, Amelia Davey, shares some advice on how to manage frequent requests to change the schedule.
Separated parents often spend a significant amount of time and resource trying to work out a parenting schedule that best suits their children. It can be a difficult negotiating process but if a parenting plan is agreed and that plan works, it is time well spent. So, when one parent starts to change the agreed arrangements it can be particularly frustrating and upsetting, not only for the other parent but also for the children. So, how do you handle these requested changes and what can you do to support your children and protect your own wellbeing? Within this blog we have set out some helpful strategies to assist you to navigate these situations.
Where possible, write it down…
If one parent is frequently late or changing the times and dates that have been agreed (for no good reason), it is really important that you keep a record, in case you need to take further action, such as revisiting a Court Order or an agreed Parenting Plan. There are many ways you can do this. Some parents simply make a note in a written diary, others record on their phones, or on a parenting app. Parenting apps such as Our Family Wizard are particularly helpful in these situations as they enable you to keep a clear record.
The balance between flexibility and boundaries
This can be really difficult to navigate for many parents. There are times where flexibility is required. Perhaps one parent has a work commitment or a planned event which means they won’t be able to adhere to the parenting schedule, or perhaps the children want to go somewhere which would mean they couldn’t see that parent on a particular day. It is important to accept that there will be times when the schedule will need to change but this should not be a regular event. If one parent is frequently changing the arrangements or turning up late it may be time to have a discussion and clearly set out your expectations.
Consider carefully how you approach this conversation. Language can be critical. Consider “I understand that things come up on occasion and that you may need to change the arrangements, but it is really important for me to be able to plan and to manage the children’s expectations. Can we agree to give each other 24 hours’ notice if we need are going to need to change the schedule?” If frequent lateness is the problem, you could try adding “If the time that we’ve agreed is not working for you, we can discuss changing the time permanently if that would help?”.
Communication is key
Approaching difficult conversations with the other parent can be tricky. Try not to have a conversation in the heat of the moment as this will often just lead to further conflict and escalate tensions. Where possible, take time to consider carefully what you want to say and approach the conversation calmly. Try to offer solutions rather than place blame. As above, language can be critical, phrases like “Can we agree to give each other 24 hours’ notice if we need are going to need to change the schedule?” are helpful as they are offering a solution moving forward.
Wellbeing is important
At the centre of all of this are the children, and their wellbeing is paramount. Parents agree to schedules having regard to what they consider is in their children’s best interests. Changes can cause children to feel unsettled and therefore minimising disruptions and providing stability is critical to their wellbeing. Where possible, shield them from any conflict and conceal any frustration that you may be feeling towards the other parent. It is important that your children feel supported, loved and safe through these changes.
Key takeaways
- If you can, keep a record of any changes to the agreed schedule;
- Be flexible if needed but manage boundaries;
- If you need to, have a calm conversation and set expectations;
- Remember that language is critical. Offer solutions rather than placing blame; and
- If the other parent repeatedly breaches the agreement or keeps the children beyond the agreed times without your consent, consider whether you need to take further actions, such as contacting the relevant authorities or taking legal advice about revisiting a Court Order or a parenting plan; and
- Look after yours and your children’s wellbeing.
If you need assistance with negotiating a parenting plan or help approaching the other parent about frequent changes to an agreed schedule, please contact us.
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